The Game of Deathball

I write this post to ensure that you are all made aware of the new sinister trend that is currently sweeping through the Midwest like wildfire. I'm not talking about ugg boots*, swine flu, enormous man-sunglasses, or any other such un-American bullshit...I am referring, of course, to the new drinking game called Deathball. States that have been infiltrated include Missouri, Illinois, Ohio, and, most recently, Tennessee. This post will inform you of the ins and outs of the game so that you will be prepared in the event that there is a Deathball sighting in your area.

Deathball has a simple gameplay and configuration; it can be set up at most residences, whether they be an apartment, Mc-mansion, or cardboard box. What follows is a list of items needed to complete a beer-soaked evening that you will most likely need to piece together the next day with the help of your equally retarded friends:

1 table, preferably 8x4
2 ping pong balls
4 pint glasses (must be glass, no solo cups)
6 ounces courage
1 pair of drinking shoes
4 players
1 midget**

The pint glasses are each filled with one (1) full beer and placed at each corner of the table. A "chuggable" brew is highly recommended - think one of the Big Three light beers***. Two (2) people stand on each end near their respective glasses. The object is to completely drain your beers before the other team, subjecting the losers to all the shame and humiliation that goes hand-in-hand with losing a drinking game. There is certainly no second place in Deathball.

Balls are thrown one at a time with the intent not to land in the cup, but rather to make contact with the glass and bounce off the table. If the cup is missed, your turn is over. Throw with the idea to make it difficult for the other team to retrieve the ball, whether it be with a sweet ricochet or a lucky bounce under a nearby object. Your partner begins chugging his beer until the other team successfully tracks down the ball and returns it to the table. Once the ball is settled back on the playing surface, the drinking immediately ceases and the turn passes to your partner. He throws, you drink, the ball is returned, then the other team gets their shot. Play continues until one team has emptied both of their glasses.

When people describe most drinking games, the phrase "everyone wins" is often mentioned. While there may be a grain of truth to this cliche, it is still a stupid saying. Drinking games frequently go awry for many reasons -- people stop paying attention, fail to realize it's their turn, forget the rules, etc. With Deathball, however, there is simply no room for such douchebaggery. Here is a quick list of why Deathball is such a great drinking game:

-Matches are quick and intense; no long, drawn out I-hit-one-cup-every-seven-minutes beer pong type of wait
-The rules are so simple that even people from Kentucky**** will understand them
-People will fall down and/or get hurt, which is always funny
-If you go on a winning streak, you will black out, and set yourself up on a collision course with White Castle at 3 a.m.

So to sum up, if you are bumming around on a Friday night and feel like playing a game that will effectively separate you from your sobriety, sense of pride in oneself, and possibly one of your shoes, give Deathball a try. Introduce it to all of your friends, so that it may continue to spread throughout this great land.



*Ladies, you look goddamn ridiculous.
**Optional (celebratory dwarf tossing is recommended after a particularly big win)
***Fighthouse should be probably be avoided
****Former state motto: "Where Education Pays." Seriously.